1 year later

i won't make it through this post without crying.  these days i barely make it through a day without tears coming to my eyes.  i'm not sure why.  but i am choosing to embrace it.  as someone who has prided herself on not being a crier, i am letting the tears fall, my voice break.  it's just who i am choosing to be at 35.

we've been reflecting a lot, joey and i.  on where we were this time last year.  how broken, yet so rescued.  joey has demons that remain to haunt who he is, who he became, who he wants to be, who he is.

and just last night, as we talked about some steps he is taking, i just started crying.  see, i am doing the IF:equip advent study.  they email you verses and a prayer to reflect on each day, and yesterdays was one word: PEACE.  i can barely type it.  bc God revealed something to me; i don't have peace.  not even like an ounce.

i am living on the edge.  the brink of something bad about to happen.  it plays in my head "there is no way you will make it through December without a tragedy." bc for the past 2 years that's been true.  this is the first time in 3 years we have had our own christmas tree.  our own home to put one in.  and while we joke and try to make light of it, i have no peace about it.  all i can think,  all Satan lets me think is "it's about to happen".  i'm not sure what IT is.  and while my birthday passed without anything happening, i just didn't have a lot of joy in it.  i didn't look forward to celebrating.  i was happy. but i had no true joy.

because without peace, i can't feel that joy.

im not positive on how to find that peace.  yes i know, read my Bible, pray, etc.  i understand how to get it.  i just don't know how to find it.

and right now that's okay with me.  i'm okay to take time to let peace back in, and with it joy unlike i've had in quite some time.  afterall. it's only 1 year later.