i don't even know where to start

it's true.  i don't.  but i know i need to write it down.  so that one day, if i decide to enter the sin of stress again, i'll remember.  let's see...

i'll rewind to the beginning.  well, lets be honest.  i just thought back and began to panic.  so i won't.  i'll just summarize.

in the past month, i admitted more about myself then i wanted to.  i admitted to panic attacks, back pain, the struggle to do it all.  and we quit.  we quit cares.  life was too busy.  and when i say too busy, I'm mean i was drowning.  drowning in not having enough time.  drowning in the guilt of not doing it all well.  drowning in not having time to be the wife and mommy i want to be.

the instant i admitted it, the moment i said it out loud to joey, the second he said "okay" i was more free then i have been in months.  and although the past few weeks have brought the chaos of resigning, finishing strong, moving, and the continued transition, i know God brought us to this place.

a place of freedom.  a place of messiness.  a place of honesty.

don't get me wrong, i am nowhere near recovered.  in fact, i'm really struggling.  i doubt the decision daily, hourly, but i know it's because i haven't had the time to breathe.  but i will.  i will rest.

a great friend sent me a video of a talk from a woman who said it all so much better then i ever could.

"i want to be person who plays.  not a soldier."

i need to play.  i need to rest.  i need to go on a date with my husband.  i need to sit with my kids and be present.

and right now, i need to cry.  so i will.  because after all, i'm not a soldier.  i am a woman of God.