on this day 10 years ago.

got on facebook today. read a bunch of posts about the aggie bonfire. remembered that day...

i was still sleeping when my mom called. she was a counsellor at the high school and wanted to be ready for any younger siblings of kids who may be impacted. i didn't even think of jerry.

i was driving through the bank when micah called, sobbing. "it's jerry. he was there. he's gone." shocked, i drove away with the container from the bank. i couldn't see i was crying too hard, driving too fast, going to the only place we knew to go, the place where we had met him.

"whose going to call? whose going to tell everyone else?" brandon screamed. ryan ran away. christina made us laugh. shannon was alone. we gathered at my moms and didn't know what to say, what to do.

still in disbelief at the visitation...clung to friends and tried to be strong.

the morning of the funeral we all met at jono's and headed to something i never thought i would. we got there early and sat close. ill never, ever forget the feeling of holding ryans hand, watching the casket close and sobbing. that was the hardest part, the casket closing. it always is for me.

and then we left and my life moved on.

occasionally i'm reminded of jerry. just this summer i found the program from his funeral and thought about him and that day for while. but on days like this, i realize that when my life went on, i didn't think about him. not the way others do. the ones who miss him everyday, in every moment. and when i think about them, i push the knot down further and try not to think about it....any of it.